Coaching is one of the most miss-understood and miss-used words. Consequently, it is common to observe that coaching is used interchangeably with a mentor or a trainer, although both have different expectations. Coaching is about unlocking the person’s potential, not solving their problems. Here we are going to discuss a few common anti-patterns related to the coaching.
Solving the problem
Coachee: I am short of money every month and want to generate extra income; I am not sure what should I do?
Coach: You have the expertise of fixing all of the problems related to vehicle engines, you can create your YouTube channel to create an extra passive income for yourself.
Coachee: But I don’t know how to create a YouTube video?
Coach: That will be very easy; there are lots of free tools available to do this; I can teach you one to have a quick start.
In the example above, it is evident that the coach is trying to solve the Coachee problem. It is one of the topmost miss-concept about coaching that coach is going to solve the problem. However, there are still lots of expectation that the coach will solve the problem. As a coach, one should believe that people are naturally creative and resourceful and capable of finding the answers.
False Listening
Coach: What do you want more from your life?
Coachee: I am not sure about my future, I do have lots of plans, but every day I come up with the new one.
Coach: What is your dream?
Coachee: I wanted to be the best in my field, but the problem is I am not sure which domain I should pick. Every week, I create a new plan.
Coach: What is your purpose?
Take a close look at the above conversation. It looks like coach has a list of questions in mind and throws questions one after another without paying attention to the answer from the Coachee. This person has a lot of questions and tries to use it as much as possible. Coaching is not about just asking questions without paying attention to the response.
Series of Close questions
Coachee: My team member has lots of conflicts with each other; it is challenging to manage such a team in a time pressure situation.
Coach: Do you have a team level working agreement?
Coachee: Yes
Coach: Did you talk with them on one to one basis?
Coachee: Yes, but I didn’t work
Coach: Did you try to get external help?
Coachee: I tried once, but no success.
Coach: Is your manager aware of the situation?
Coachee: He got an overall idea, but not the detail
Coach: Did you involve HR?
Coachee: Not yet
What is the capital of Alaska? What is the largest desert in Australia? What is the highest mountain in Africa? Who is the current prime minister of France? All of the questions look different, but what is shared among all of them? Either you know the answer to these questions or don’t know it; there is no guesswork, no deep thinking involves in it. These types of “questions” are known as closed questions. Although asking closed questions once a while is fine, but a series of closed questions don’t allow the Coachee to think deeply and find the solution to the problem. In addition, another unintended side effect of this type of conversation is that the coach is speaking more than the Coachee.
Leading questions
Coachee: I prepared an excellent proposal for our new project, but I am afraid that my manager won’t like it.
Coach: Did you try to get feedback on the initial draft of the proposal?
Coachee: Not yet.
Coach: So what about setup a meeting with him before the board meeting?
In the above example, coach is not only asking the “closed question,” but they are leading towards some solution. In other words, these are just solutions wrapped in the form of a “question.” “Did you get approval from the manager?” although grammatically it is a question, in reality, it is just a suggestion, reminder, or solution of a given problem. The main problem with the leading question is that the Coachee stops thinking deeply and starts thinking in the lines of the question.
Leading the conversation
Coachee: I have a dilemma to decide I should resign from my job or not?
Coach: Why is it so crucial for you to make a decision now?
Coachee: Because I am fed up with my job and have no plan for my future?
Coach: What is stopping to meet your career advisor?
Coachee: I already set up a meeting with my advisor next week, but honestly, I don’t have a high expectation from that meeting.
Coach: What is stopping you from exploring other positions in the company?
In the example above, the questions are not a closed-question; however, the whole conversation is leading by the coach, not the Coachee. It is Coachee who should lead the discussion, not the coach. As a result, this type of conversation can be very dangerous because coach might start thinking that he/she is doing everything correct and unintentionally start leading the discussion to help the Coachee.
Too Narrow questions
Coach: What did you learn about the new time management techniques from the latest time management books since we met last time?
Take a look a the following excerpt from one of my work in creative writing. “Sandra, when met me in prom night, also wore a white maxi skirt, black top with white earrings, and looked stunning.” The more detail we added in a statement or question, the narrower it becomes and there is less room for imagination and creativity left there. In the example above, the answer would be limited to only time management techniques from the book; however, at the same time, Coachee might learn something other than the books. “What did you learn since we met last time?” would much better question than the example above and gives lots of room for the Coachee to think deeply.
Too many questions at a time
Coachee: I am not sure what life needs from me?
Coach: What do you want more from your life? What do you value the most in life? Just imagine yourself 20 years from now, where do you see yourself?
I understand that coach has lots of questions to ask; however, it is not a good idea to throw many at once. How likely you remember all the questions when someone asked many at once? Therefore, there is a high possibility that not all the questions get equal attention, and the opportunity to think deeply might be missed.
Not comfortable with the silence
Coach: What do you want more from your life?
Coachee: (Silene for 2 seconds)
Coach: What do you value the most in life?
As a coach, you asked a question and didn’t get a reply for a few seconds, and you think your question was not well understood, let’s help the Coachee to explain it with a follow-up question or rephrase it, in reality, you may break the thinking process of the Coachee. On the contrary, if there is a silence after your question as a coach, it is probably a good thing, because you made the Coachee think deeply. Just imagine if someone asked you, “what do you want more from your life?” how quickly you will jump to the answer. A coach needs to be comfortable with the silence.
Coaching the ghost
Coachee: My manager never approves my proposal. If he has to do it, he tried to delay it, and it looks like he has some problem with me.
Coach: What is he trying to achieve by doing this?
Can you identify any problem in the conversation above? It is neither a closed question nor too many questions at once, nor a narrow question, nor a leading question, nor even a leading conversation. The biggest problem is, coach is trying to coach someone who is not present there. You can’t coach a person who is no present; it is like trying to coach a ghost. One of the politest responses might be something like “I can’t coach a person who is not here; let’s focus on you.”
Setting the goal/accountability for the Coachee
Coach: Who is stopping you?
Coachee: No one, I guess it is only in my mind, and I should try it.
Coach: So your goal is to start this within a week, and we will have a follow up on it when we will meet next time, I will do a weekly follow up call to make sure that you are on track.
Take a look at the example conversation, possibly at the end of one coaching session. Let’s suppose everything went well during the coaching session, and none of the anti-pattern discussed above happed during the coaching session, but we still have a problem. Instead of the Coachee, here, coach set the goal for the Coachee. Not only that, but coach also came up with an accountability plan.
Zeeshan Amjad
Enterprise Agile Coach
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